hope

Things are still crazy in my life. Sometimes I think I want my life to go back to "normal" but I usually can't even remember what that looks like? I am pretty sure it didn't have my parents living with me. It didn't have me being a mom that had little patience with her kids. Sometimes I have all of the patience in the world...in a bad way. It just doesn't matter to me that they are jumping on the couch or just spilled a glass of red Crystal Light on a carpet that I had just cleaned. "Normal" had me in much better shape for sure. It didn't have me passing time with a man younger than me and doing things or putting up with things that I normally never would, but I try not to rock the boat because I figure that time with him is better than not being with anyone. It had been a very long time since my last intimate relationship (which was my marriage) and this "relationship". My kids are leaving to their dads for 2 months and so I mostly figure I will enjoy whatever time I get with him during the next couple of months, will focus on myself and trying to find out the things that make me happy (or even things that had made me happy at one time), hopefully get back in shape and be a better more patient mom when my kids return. Hopefully my relationship with my mom and my step-dad can be salvaged. The break from the kids may be the magical thing to make that happen or hopefully it will be my parents moving out that makes that happen!?!? I don't know what it will be. I just know that SOMETHING needs to change. I have to figure out how to be happy again. I will be a better mom if I can make myself happy. I will be a better partner either to "Adam" (to protect the innocent) or will find the esteem I need to find the "right" partner for me (I am pretty sure Adam isn't it). I will find the esteem I need to be a better friend. I will find the esteem I need to be a better supervisor at work. I will find my fun, loving, confident, relaxed, happy old self. I am not sure where she went, but I really really hope over the next 2 months, while my kids are gone that I find her. That my old self finds her way back to me. That is my hope. Wish me luck.

Craziness

Why does life have to be so crazy? Just when I think there is light at the end of the tunnel I realize I was wrong. My parents live with me and it doesn't seem like they are moving out any time soon. I think I will lose my mind if I look up this time next year and they are still here. Our relationship is getting ruined. Their relationship with my son is getting ruined (because my daughter can do no wrong for them she is spared). My work is super stressful. I take it really personal when people don't like their jobs. I try to do everything I can think of to make it a better place, but it just isn't good enough. And now....because we have a high turnover it is going to jeopardize my chance of a promotion that is coming up this week. Because I am already part of management, the unhappiness is being reflected as a management problem and so I am lumped in. That promotion is the light at the end of my tunnel that I NEED. I don't know. I am hoping this blog into nowhere land will help me process some of this stuff in a healthy manner so that I don't continue to take these frustrations out on the wrong people....so that I don't continue to sabotage the relationships that I have in my life that are important (my partner, my kids, etc).